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detach in love


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart forget.


The biggest peace of mind I ever felt was when I let go of the expectation that people will remember me. My biggest fear in life was being forgotten.


I recently had an experience where I became close with someone very quickly over two weeks and then almost overnight the energy shifted and we were back to being strangers. I never received an explanation for the sudden coldness, and I was confused for a good two days.


What I came to realise, after sitting with the hurt for a while, was that the quietness I was getting from this person was the same type of silence I have given to others in the past. I realised how quickly I am willing to ghost someone if I catch onto any feeling of halfheartedness. I ghosted some of my closest friends back in February and I now know how distant I may have appeared to be.


When I fall silent on someone, it is almost always out of protection of my heart. I've always longed to be remembered, so if I feel that I am being forgotten, I withdraw my effort.


However, I have to accept the fact that I am not meant to be remembered in some lives. The reassurance I felt after letting go of wanting to be remembered was liberating- if not one of the most painful things I've ever felt. But I've come to almost want to be forgotten. If my sole purpose in someone's life is to meet them, inspire or support them, then fall away back into their past memories, then so be it.


I've had dozens, if not hundreds of people come alongside me for a brief amount of time before we lost touch and I've innocently forgotten their existence. They've taught me so much. In a strange way, I believe I will best remember the people who I've forgotten.


All I can remind myself is that I have actively forgotten people's existence similarly to how some have forgotten mine- so who am I to judge if they move on in life without me? My time in America continues to teach me how to bless everyone and move on. If absence makes the heart forget, then it begs the question; did you properly cherish the absentée in the first place? Absence, I suppose, guides us to reflect on what or who holds a deep enough place in our heart. How desperately do you want to be remembered- and how does that affect your relationships?


Letting go of wanting people to remember me coincides with my decision to detach in love. I've always assumed that if I am to let go of someone it needs to be with a negative tinge, though detaching in love proves that wrong.


I read a scripture a month or so ago about speaking strength into people, not destruction, and remembering that has assisted me to let go of the expectation of being remembered.


Ultimately it is interacting with people, or having them in front of you day in and day out, that teaches the heart to grow fonder. Until we meet people who claim a steady grip on us, we are a society of innocent forgetters.

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